Guest Blog: The Blame Game by Nadine Herring

Parents, families and professionals - let's end "The Blame Game."
Parents, families and professionals – let’s end “The Blame Game.”

I have a confession to make: I watch Dr. Phil, pretty much on a daily basis. I know, I know…but I like to watch a good train wreck to wind down my day and this show never fails to disappoint.

While there have been some truly cringe worthy episodes that make you wonder why they would even put them on the air, there have also been some good episodes so things tend to balance out.

The Dr. Phil show likes to specialize in shows that deal with family dysfunction: whether that be from divorce, parent-child issues, or its favorite topic – addiction. Now let me start by saying that I think Dr. Phil’s heart is in the right place when he takes on these topics, but I don’t always agree with his methods especially when it comes to dealing with the family members of addicts.

A typical addiction episode of the Dr. Phil show usually involves the family member or friend of the addict reaching out to Dr. Phil for help in dealing with the addict. They usually have tried every option (so they say) and are reaching out to him as their last hope for their loved one. The family member(s) will usually come out first, tell their story and then the addict will be brought on stage to tell their story. Once both parties are on stage, it doesn’t tend to go well and lots of arguing and yelling ensue. Now Dr. Phil can step in and shut this down immediately and facilitate a calm, rationale conversation but that wouldn’t make for good television, so he tends to let them go at it for a while before he cuts to commercial.

Once back from commercial, Dr. Phil will talk with the addict to dig into the story a little deeper and try to find out how and why they got started using. More yelling and name calling is done, and Dr. Phil usually turns to the family member(s) and starts to go in on them, and the blame game begins.

As the sibling and spouse of former addicts, I take great offense to this and usually get so angry watching him insult, patronize, and downright shame the family, that I have to change the channel!

The Blame Game

I’m going to speak from my experience and tell you that my brother and sister’s addiction had NOTHING to do with how they were raised.

My three sisters and I, along with my brother were raised in a very loving, close, two-parent home and there was no dysfunction in our family.

Now my brother was the oldest, so I can’t speak to how his addiction started, but I did notice that he seemed really different to me once he got out of the army. My brother joined right after high school and was stationed overseas for a while in Asia, and I honestly think that’s where his drinking problem began. Though I was very young when he came back, I definitely noticed a change.

As for my sister, we are only 14 months apart and were extremely close, so I was there from the beginning of her addiction. I know exactly how her addiction started, and again it had nothing to do with her family life! My sister started hanging with some very shady friends who got her started with marijuana and it very quickly progressed to harder street drugs. She left home at a young age, but my parents did everything they could to help her, and I would even follow her around to try to make sure she was safe, but her friends and her addiction were more powerful than our love for her. For YEARS she would go in and out of rehabs, in and out of our lives and there was nothing we could do.

So when I see Dr. Phil jumping all over some of these families who have genuinely done everything they know to do and come to him for help and he blames them for their loved one’s addiction, it makes me upset and sad because my family has been there.

We’ve watched our family members sink deep into the abyss of addiction and tried everything we could to help them. We watched as our family was torn apart and relationships were destroyed. My parents watched their only son and I watched my brother who I idolized, slowly drink himself to death, and when he finally got sober, watched him die way too young from cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 49. I watched the pain, devastation and stress of my parents as they wondered where their youngest daughter was and if she was okay. We lived for years dreading a late night phone call because we just knew it would be the police calling to tell us that she was dead. Unless you have lived with and loved an addict, you will NEVER understand how this feels.

Fortunately for my sister and our family, her story has a happy ending and she has been clean for over 10 years now and we are so very proud of her and the strength it took for her to make it through her addiction alive; her story is truly amazing.

I know that my family is not to blame for the addictions of my brother and sister and while I commend Dr. Phil for his efforts in trying to help addicts, he is doing them no favors when he tries to play the blame game with their families.

Nadine Herring is the owner of Virtually Nadine, a virtual assistant company that provides online administrative support to addiction specialists and social service organizations. I specialize in working with this undervalued and overworked field to help them deal with the time consuming process of running an organization.

Connect with me on LinkedInGoogle+TwitterPinterest, or my website

Many thanks, Nadine, for sharing this perspective with us. Let’s work together – parents, families and professionals to end the blame game. MWM

9 thoughts on “Guest Blog: The Blame Game by Nadine Herring

  1. There are many reasons why a person becomes addicted, but its not necessarily a problem with the family. I’ve gone to recovery meetings for 28 years now and have met lots of people that came from wonderful homes in which they, themselves, were the problem. After sitting in meetings for many years and listening to what people have to say about their lives, I’ve seen a few patterns.

    Some people do come from very bad homes – not all, but some do. Often they come from homes where there is physical, mental and/or sexual abuse and certainly there is a fair representation of substance abuse problems, although some people come from lovely homes with kind, decent parents. I know for myself that I came from a loving home, but my father died and my older brother started drinking that year – and is still drinking 45 years later. His problems spread to the other kids in our family and were spurred on by the way things were in society at that time.

    I’ve also known others who have become addicted simply because they were hurt in an accident and had to take painkillers during their recovery. I’m not sure, but I wonder whether my problems with substance abuse came about as the result of the three surgeries I had a young person.

    Mainly, “its not so much what needs to be changed in the world, as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.” The way to stop the blame game is to inventory yourself and not others. When we each take responsibility for ourselves we find that it is a relief.

    1. Hi Skyway, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and leave a comment!

      I agree with you that the circumstances behind why someone becomes an addict are many; my sister and brother were raised in a very loving, stable home and suffered from addiction, others can come from horrible homes and not fall victim to addiction. The reverse can also be true…

      My point with the post and your ending comment mesh perfectly: it’s not about blaming others, it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves. Continued support and encouragement to you in your recovery and I wish the best for your brother and the rest of your family 🙂

      1. Well put – blame gets us nowhere nor is is warranted. For the addict, blame is shifting responsibility for choices and outcomes. For the family and loved ones, blame is often put on us from society, media and others – occasionally even from professionals – as if we could have prevented or stopped addiction from happening. What really matters is recognizing the potential for use and recognizing a problem; from there it’s about rallying around treatment and recovery. The user and their loved ones each have important roles in that process, and these are most successful when blame is put aside and the focus becomes health and healing.

      2. Completely agree MWM! I think people place blame when they don’t know what to do or don’t want to accept responsibility. Addiction is so hard to understand that it’s easier to say it’s someone else’s fault than try to figure out why it started or why it’s happening…

        Getting past that blame and working on getting better: both the addict AND the family is vital to long-term recovery. Working together as a team: addict, family, clinicians, AND the community will ensure that the stigma around addiction is destroyed and all the issues surrounding addiction can be addressed with understanding and compassion.

      3. Another great point, Nadine. It really is about working together. Recovery is not a solo undertaking, and we really need the clinicians/professionals to embrace a team approach that includes the recovering person’s circle of family and friends. Perhaps a topic for a future blog post.

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