Another Chapter

We got a call earlier this evening that our almost-21-year-old son was picked up with a blood alcohol level of .12. The officer said he could put him in detox, in jail or release him to us. Our son said he and his friends got drunk and then got in a fight. He said they left him at a gas station and took his phone and wallet, and that he must have fallen asleep. That’s when the police showed up. He’s supposed to be at work and will probably lose his job for not calling in. He’ll have to go to court. We are letting him experience the consequences of his choices.

This real time post is part of why Mid Atlantic Mama and I started the Our Young Addicts blog and Twitter feed. More tomorrow.

Midwestern Mama

Time Magazine – How Much Will A Legal Marijuana Habit Cost You?

I was fascinated by the headline of this recent article in Time Magazine because our son talks so much about the merits of legalized marijuana, including how it would help with his financial woes, which incidentally and ironically are caused by his pot use.  The article cites the black market price for an ounce of weed compared to prices in Colorado and other states where it is now legal.  While there are some cost savings, it’s still an expensive habit not to mention one that doesn’t have positive outcomes for all users.  See link below.

I read with anticipation of getting a handle on this so-called habit.  (Side note, my son’s pot buddy once called him an addict to which my son replied, “I’m not addicted; I’m committed.”  Quite the perspective.)  The article said a habitual, heavy user probably spends around $650/year on Marijuana.

Let’s compare that to Midwestern Mama’s pothead son.  In 2010, when he was supposed to save his high school graduation and part-time job money to pay for his laptop and college textbooks but confessed to being out of money just days before leaving for school, I asked him just how much he was spending on pot.  His answer, around $60/week.    Do the math, and even then at that level (smoking five times a day — significantly more than a “heavy, habitual user” profiled by Time Magazine), it was around $3,000/year.

More recently, I asked him the same question.  Just how much are you spending.  OMG — he spends $200 to $300/week.  Do the math.  OMG — that’s $10,000 to $15,000 per year.  He’s pretty much stoned all day every day.  It’s his normal.  Imagine this, that’s his entire income from working night shifts at a 24-hour restaurant.  No wonder he has no money for anything else, he spends it ALL on pot.

Whether he has a problem with pot or whether pot is the problem, his habit is an expensive one.

Do you know the cost of drugs?  Do you know how much your young addict spends on drugs or alcohol?  Money is an interesting filter on addiction.  It helps me realize why drugs can overrule simple math, simple decision making, and why many will steal or do whatever they have to in order to get the substance to which they are addicted (or “committed”).

Thanks for giving this some consideration.

Midwestern Mama

http://business.time.com/2013/05/20/how-much-will-a-legal-marijuana-habit-cost-you/

Are we ready for branded and advertised pot?

With marijuana legalization increasing across the country, it’s sparking more than one conversation about the business side of the product.  I work in the marketing field, so this article from AdAge really got me thinking.  Are we ready for branded and advertised pot?  http://www.adweek.com/news/advertising-branding/are-americans-ready-marijuana-advertising-151198  Another recent article in USA Today really drives home at what age pot should be accessible http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/07/16/marijuana-legalization-kids-parents/2519339/

I have my own views on all these issues, and regardless of having a pothead son (said half with endearment and half with, you know, a smidge of snarkiness), my views remain open minded and I seek to be informed if only to better understand what’s going on.

What do you think? How do you keep informed?

Midwestern Mama

Introducing Our Young Addicts – A Midwestern Mama Shares The Experience

Help!  Just about this time two years ago, I was doing exactly what you’re doing now.  I was searching the internet for something – anything —  that might help me deal better with being the parent … of an addict.  Certainly, I never expected to be this parent.  As it turned out, I found a wonderful online community and connected with a number of caring adults.  

Now several years in, another mother and I decided we would start Our Young Addicts.  I am a Midwestern Mama who chronicles life with a drug-addicted son who is just about to turn 21 years old.  Our family has come so far yet we have no idea what’s next.  Ditto for my cohort Mama from the Middle Atlantic.  Together, we’ll share and support.  Join us.

To get you up to speed on my family’s situation, here is a draft from an article that I wrote for the January 2012 issue of Renew Magazine.  It was good to re-read this and re-commit to the positive yet painful road to recovery.

A New Year for Recovery in 365 Days

I remember our kids’ karate instructor saying, “All you have to do is a little better each day.  Next year, you’ll be 365 times farther along.”

That simple premise from my son’s youth is an inspiration for me – the journaling parent of a young-adult addict. To move forward, I took stock of the last 365 days. The 2011 entries revealed spiraling addiction during a frantic January and a fast-forward February, but a year of clarity and serenity nonetheless.

Our concerns began in 11th grade, continued through a near-miss graduation and escalated when he decided to forgo a substantial college scholarship.  We had repeatedly found evidence of drugs and confronted him, but during counseling he always downplayed his use.  In reality he had been getting high five times a day even as he aced ACT tests and sports tournaments. Ultimately, he delayed college until second semester 2011, but it didn’t look promising.

Thursday, January 13, 2 a.m.

Hearing something, I walked downstairs to see him pouring a nearly 10 oz. glass of Johnny Walker Red.  He casually explained he’d never had a drink before thus wanted to know how much he could tolerate as a precaution for finding out the hard way.  Riiiiiight.

A candid conversation yielded a confession that he hadn’t saved the money to buy a laptop and textbooks admitting that he’d been spending $60 or more each week on Pot. It chagrined us, but we were willing to pay for the college necessities; it was time for him to move out.

Saturday, January 15, 4 p.m.

With trepidation, we dropped him at college.

“Mom, don’t worry.  I can do this.”

Sunday, January 23, 8 p.m.

I was excited to hear his ringtone on my phone. But, then:  “Mom, I really screwed up again.” 

Two nights prior, he had too much to drink, smoked Marijuana and ingested pills.  A student found him passed out in the snow.  He was taken by ambulance to the ER, and when he was stable they transported him to detox. 

Thursday, February 3, 9:45 p.m.

Again, the phone – this time, the dean.  “We’ve had another incident with drug use in the dorms.” His housing contract was revoked and he was dismissed from his athletic team.

 

Saturday, February 26, 10:30 a.m.

He sofa surfed for a few weeks but without dorm privileges, he started skipping classes before dropping out altogether.  He had no place to go and didn’t want to stay at college.

We drove to campus to talk through options with him.  I suggested he boot up his laptop so we could start figuring out the next step.

“Uhh … I sold my laptop.”

He was resolute as ever, “None of this has anything to do with me smoking weed.”

Instead of debating, we asked, “Where are we dropping you off?  Because, you, your drugs and your destructive lifestyle are not coming back home.”  I am not proud of our parental temper tantrum, but I am immensely proud of the realization: A distinction between his addiction and our recovery.

Each day forward, we decreased enabling and increased detachment with love.  He agreed to evaluation, but entirely disagreed with the assessment of chemical dependency and mental health concerns, and flat out rejected treatment.

A Facebook exchange with a fellow user about his departure from college proclaimed,   “Dude, ‘cuz, you’re an addict.”  My son’s retort, “I’m not addicted.  I’m committed.” 

His year continued to spiral as ours slowly moved toward recovery.  We enter the New Year with hope our son will choose sobriety during 2012 … just a little better every day.

R.M. brings a parenting perspective to young-adult addiction.  365 days a year, she fills black-and-white composition notebooks with myriad details, feelings and observations of her son’s addiction and the family’s recovery.

From one parent to another:

  • Benefit of the Doubt.  Only extend it so many times before insisting on a chemical dependency assessment.
  • Broken Rules.  If they keep breaking the rules despite the consequences and can’t keep promises, it might be that drug/alcohol use is beyond their control … and beyond yours.
  • Trust your Mom-intuition.  Most likely you’re not overreacting, particularly with a young addict.
  • A Clean Slate – Wipe it clean once, twice.  Put away the eraser.
  • Befriend the Parents – Some of the other parents will support you and some will not see eye to eye, but at least you’ll know where they stand when it comes to your kid and theirs.
  • You’ll Make Mistakes & Progress.  There is no such thing as perfect parenting, just love.
  • Take Care of Yourself.  Explore online communities and blogs in addition to support and recovery groups like Al-Anon.